Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
