HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
