i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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