I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
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And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in