the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..