No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
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She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
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BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...