I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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