White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
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