Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
