pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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