Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
