Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
