Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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