Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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