He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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