so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
