Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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