you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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