I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I need to align my fucking chakras
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
