I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
