I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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