about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
