All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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