God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
