1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
