Dude my mom stole all your condoms
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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