the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
