So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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