woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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