My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
it's great music for shaving your balls
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
