Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
