Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
