Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
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Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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