I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
