"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
