1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
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what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You may now shotgun with the bride
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I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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