Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
