My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
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I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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