pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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