guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
