I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
