I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You ate ashes out of my bong
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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