dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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