I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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