If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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