guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
