Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Randomize
