don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My boob is missing a layer of skin
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
