I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
