I have demons in me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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