dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
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I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
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I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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