I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
