I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
