In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
