im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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