If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
