Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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