Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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