last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
