My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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