Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
