My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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